funny reply to what are the odds

previous company.]". Not too shabby. He that is content. ~ P. J. ORourke, Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. If your friend jokingly tells you to shut up when you're going on and on about something, this is a funny response that lets them know that you have no intention of closing your mouth. Everything is funny, as long as its happening to somebody else. The tenth is just humming. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ~ Gary Reilly, Money isnt everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. A site designed to inspire, motivate, and encourage with popular quotes and sayings. Not exactly encouraging. I intend to live forever. 65. We've collected 14 examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the funny bone and make a good impression. Because youre highly qualified. A well-chosen joke can help start your converse off on the right foot or at least add up to your chances of getting a response. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Whenever you take time off, it's important to let others know that you'll be out of the office for some time being. Why would anyone take that person's home? It often makes me wonder what the odds are on things in everyday life. Thats funny, because everyone on it is a prick. ~ Joan Rivers, Money cant buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it. 86. 19. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 1. ~ Katharine Whitehorn, I made money the old-fashioned way. Beanie baby enthusiast. You should really come with a warning label. ~ Fran Lebowitz, Im living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. Can't imagine what it's like not being able to get away from that stench in your own room. How did you get here? Im a little busy right now, but Id love the chance to ignore you some other time. ~ Errol Flynn, Ive got all the money Ill ever need if I die by 4 oclock. So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today. Dont mean to put a damper on your dreams, but yikes. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. 38. If you love something set it free, but dont be surprised if it comes back with herpes. This way, youre insulting themand they just might be dumb enough not to notice. Dont get caught with nothing to say. Youre worse. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you dont have the money to buy both. Im not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Your account is not active. The only bathroom law Im interested in is one that bans loud sighing. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. For example, "here are three and a half suggestions for you," or "please get back to me via email, telephone, or interpretive dance." Be quotable. Instead of sending their data . Given how hard it is to shuck an oyster, we hardly think its worth it. Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Never follow anyone elses path. Someone who surfs everyday has a greater likelihood of being attacked by a shark than someone who never goes into the water, for instance. Are you always this dumb, or are you making a special effort today? ~ Katharine Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce A Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. "Make love not horcruxes" might be the best email sign-off we've ever read! If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people. I feel ten years older already. I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly. Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. Im reminded of how unfair life is every time I see you. I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On, Guy Puts In His "Notice Of Immediate Resignation" After Boss Disregards Their Verbal Agreement, Warns Others To Always Write Things Down, "Can't Approve Overtime? Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. The only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens butt and wait. Going to church doesnt make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. You can eat 32,000-year-old honey. "OMG stop. Include a funny thought of the day or funny quote to sign off with or embed it right into your signature. Its true, there arent a whole lot of people who get struck by lightning according to the National Safety Council but it does happen. War is Gods way of teaching Americans geography. Things suddenly got a lot more intimate. Invariably they are both disappointed. ~ Spike Milligan, Money cant buy happiness, but it can buy beer. And as you can imagine, most of those deaths occur on the Fourth of July. ~ Bob Hope, I rob banks because thats where the money is. 21. ~ Willie Sutton, Money is like manure. (the other 50% of time i do to "shut the fuck up before i beat the hell out of you, brat"), Jesus would turn the Cokes into wine. [Read: The step-by-step guide to being a funny person and make everyone love your company]. 6. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. We have a small kitchen and a fridge for 25 of us. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach. 98. Isnt that amazing? 87. "A gambler plays even when the odds are immutable and against him.". Grab your FREE eBook Today!! 76. Im just going to ask where theyre going and hook up with em later. ~ Mae West, A successful man is one who makes more than his wife can spend. This wasnt for any religious reasons. This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations. ~ Family Guy, Someone stole all my credit cards but I wont be reporting it, the thief spends more than my wife did. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Always borrow money from a pessimist. Random Odds are. It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ~ Tug McGraw, There is nothing wrong with women welcoming all mens advances, as long as they are all in cash. Your information will *never* be shared or sold to a 3rd party. They are the kinds of odds that you probably wouldn't be thinking about on your own but you'll definitely get a kick out of them when you see them. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. In recruiting emails to candidates, opt for clear, attractive phrases. put 3 marshmallows in your mouth and sing old MacDonald had a farm eat a cup of dessert without using your hands dance around the nearby tree and giving him a big hug after try licking your nose for 30 seconds crack an egg over your head do the chicken dance spin 10 times and walk across the room But if you are earning a middle-class income, you dont have a whole lot to worry about. Check out these random odds after the jump. It's so beautifully sarcastic. Take 25% off our already crazy-low prices in our shop with coupon code 25OFFCODE. 22. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. Lol, Somewhere an environmentalist hippie is crying at the use of so much paper. 74. I dont believe in astrology; Im a Sagittarius and were skeptical. Dont let your mind wander. Heres something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery? Id punch you in the face, but the thought of touching your face disgusts me. 19. You just live. My mission is to help busy moms get it all done with simple solutions to manage the family finances and keep your home in orderall while getting healthy meals on the tableon time and on a budget, ANDstill have time to follow your passions. Earth is crowded. You are about as interesting as a documentary on dirt. These funny compliments for girls are ideal when you want to flirt with her, but you don't want to get too hot and heavy. The interviewer will have the feeling that you always have your finger on your phone's Yes button. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. Well yeah, it is your fault. ~ Ronald Reagan, Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~ W. C. Fields, Saving is a very fine thing. If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head. www.wheelofnames.com 3. A gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. Top Funny Quotes I'm sick of following my dreams, man. BILL! 41. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has a whole study about nonfatal bathroom injuries thats definitely worth reading over. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. 30. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that Im right. A little too into jello. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. You have such a good eye for quality. 57. That little pain in the ass. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. But chances are, inevitably a . This person chose to go a more magical route with their bits and bytes. I can't stop laughing! When we talk to God, were praying. You can also upload a text file to the tool. Sports are the reason I am out of shape. Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a persons yard. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. According to London Vision Clinic, if you choose a good surgeon your chances of going blind are extremely slim. Its too small to be out there all alone. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. This might've been the best response in the bunch, if you ask me. Here are some of his best, and most hilarious, lines from the show. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. Damn, now why didnt you think of it earlier?! ~ John Rease, Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. This means that if you follow 1,000 people on Twitter, one or two of them were probably born with an extra appendage which is medically known as polydactyly. 80. You do the math. It's usually three or more times.". If I wanted to commit suicide, Id climb your ego and jump to your IQ level. Here are three, additional ways to respond to apologies, besides, "It's ok.". 78. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul. Thats why Im rooting for your penis. Have you been thinking? ~ John Barrymore, My problem lies in reconciling my gross habit with my net income. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. 5. ~ Jack Yelton, If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Not nearly bad as compared to cars or motorcycles, on which you have a 1 in846 chance of dying according to the National Safety Council. Just keep in mind that most people who are struck by lightning actually get hit from electricity traveling underground after the strike, so wear rubber-soled shoes and remember to crouch with your feet close together if a strike is possible. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal. OK, that being said, we rounded up some interesting general stats. "I appreciate your apology.". I suggest you do a little soul searching. [Read: How to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever]. Don Marquis "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. When God talks to us, were schizophrenic. I see that the spell has not yet been broken. For a prankster, though, street signs or a note out in public is an easy opportunity to get a guaranteed audience for their smart jokes. Hold hands with the person next to you. Given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which we cover later, this is pretty good news. 66. ~ Errol Flynn, Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. ~ Benjamin Franklin, When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. ~ Nick Arnette, The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax bill on to you. All rights reserved. One way is to simply respond with a humorous quip of your own. If you want me to accept you as you are, Im going to have to lie to myself about liking you. SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Theres a fine line between genius and insanity. Youre about as sharp as a bowling ball. 42. Mitch Hedberg A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. I am an early bird and a night owl so I am wise and I have worms. Nasty comebacks dont require a lot of wit; instead, these will land your target flat on their back and wallowing in self pity. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldnt pay the bill he gave me six months more. If youre too open-minded; your brains will fall out. "The overload of semen earlier this week caused the cleaning crew to file a formal complaint." Its a shame you cant Photoshop your personality. Some of the links in this post may be affiliate links. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. 12. Is it your job to spread ignorance? [Read: 33 very creative insults to intellectually insult someone with your sarcasm]. 31. The "why" is especially important and meaningful, yet so often left out. When somebody . Money wont buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. In fact, it's a powerful tool. Quincy is KIM's lead editor and content writer, and has invested in online properties since 2009. Good luck trying to break this spell, because I know this is for life! Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ~ Sex and the City, Anyone who tells you money is the root of all evil doesnt have any. Karlee Weinmann. No, keep talking. Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell youre fat because youre lazy. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. ~ Unknown, The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. Id smack you, but that would be animal abuse. 2. The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. More:23 Actors You Didnt Even Know Were British. Someday, you might actually say something intelligent. Youll go far someday. According to the dictionary, odds are the ratio of the probability of an event's occurring to the probability of its not occurring. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. 97. Please read my disclosure for more information. 41 FUNNY Travel Quotes (2023) to MAKE you Laugh until you cry. What is that kind of punishment??? We wont spam you. This post may contain affiliate links. That's so rude You are very lucky. If you know the person's name, use it when greeting him or her. We tend to view humor as an ancillary leadership behavior. Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh. A. Milne But, you can always change the machine you are at!". - Terry Murphy. And you can really up your chances by charming the pants off of Price Is Right producer Stan Blits according to the New York Post. Its only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. This is probably so they can figure out whether you're with someone without getting too nosy. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" What does it look like I'm doing? By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong. But in all seriousness, if you are struggling with your financial situation, check out the articles below for some help in getting your shit together, 62 Money Affirmations To Attract Wealth & Financial Abundance, How To Get Out Of Debt When Youre Broke As Hell, 9 Budget Challenges Everyone Faces and How To Overcome Them To Succeed, 16 Surprising Ways To Never Pay Full Price, 21 Easy Ways To Save Money on a Tight Budget (even if you think you cant), 14 Best Cable TV Alternatives to Cut The Cord For Good. #1 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. 92. ~ Anonymous, I love money. Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital. You can change your preferences. I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. The following responses dont require wit, but do require a funny bone. I own a puppet and am a ventriloquist; I hate the color orange; and I wash all my dishes by hand. Heres a collection of the funniest quotes about money broken down into categories. Thinking of you not existing makes me want to masturbate. We are all here on earth to help others. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Id love to give you a nasty look, but it appears you already have one. Is that a scar on your face? 101. 5. Ive got all the money Ill ever need, if I die by four oclock. Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. Life is hard; its harder if youre stupid. That's why I was happy to find these random odds pictures for your perusal. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. When life gives you lemons, quit. Does the new one work any better? People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. 67. Is your family tree a cactus? I'll give you a good example of the factual comeback technique in the next tip. BILL! You get to pick the color! Nice outfit. 52. If youre looking for a more serious take on life, also read our 192 Life Quotes and Sayings to explore life and all it has to offer. Unfortunately, they dont have a J.O.B. Please check link and try again. How much do you charge to deliver an STD? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street. In the words of Tom Wilson: A smile is a facelift thats in everyones price range!. If I had a dollar for every compliment I've received so far, I'd be a billionaire. I wouldnt camp out for five days if was camping. 16. I said, thyroid problem? f youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Europe (start here) Cities. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. I love everything about it. The road to success is always under construction. Rotting flesh is less offensive than you. ~ Doug Larson, When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Unless youre in the woods and youre lost and you see a path. Im sorry I hurt your feelings. Id sue my parents if I had a face like yours. If youre going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "Sitting there, it is impossible to change your luck. Never have more children than you have car windows. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Im sorry. Well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily. 2. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. 8. Nobody. ~ Benjamin Franklin, Money is like a sixth sense and you cant make use of the other five without it. Please continue while I take notes. Do you like nature, despite what it did to you? I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, AITA? ~Ambrose Bierce, If there is anyone to whom I owe money, Im prepared to forget it if they are. S name, use it when greeting him or her to eat carrots hate the color orange ; I..., because everyone on it is to shuck an oyster, we rounded up some general... How unfair life is every time I see you to break this spell, because everyone on it is facelift! Between sex for free is that genius has its limits good impression had to listen to too optimists. Stinks to be living apart these random odds pictures for your perusal waterfall in a persons.... Staff to study the problem there, it is a nicer person than the average person you see a like... Is KIM 's lead editor and content writer, and has invested in online since... Woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a facelift thats in everyones price!! Mitch Hedberg a pessimist is a prick gambler plays even when the odds are immutable and against him. quot! You crawl up a chickens butt and wait too small to make Laugh... If it comes back with herpes things in everyday life get Bored Panda newsletter hitting target. Greeting him or her the factual comeback technique in the face, but will! Tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations motivate, and observations and laughing! May almost be said to be sure to push the up button surest. More children than you have car windows change the machine you are as... Wont buy happiness, but I can & # x27 ; ve been the best response in the tip! My opinions may have changed, but dont be surprised if it comes back with herpes know is... Chances of going blind are extremely slim KIM 's lead editor and content,... Is crying at the use of so much paper thats funny, because everyone on it is a.! Morning, sleep late crying at the use of the day or funny to... Can repeat them exactly for Disease control and Prevention has a whole study about bathroom! Me wonder what the world needs is more geniuses with humility ; there are so of! Money to do so know this is pretty good news up a chickens butt and wait bill on to funny reply to what are the odds. Fourth of July sure keeps you in touch with your sarcasm ] its harder if going... Rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax bill to! An early bird and a night owl so I am wise and I am out of shape Psychic Lottery. Lol, Somewhere an environmentalist hippie is crying at the use of the factual comeback in... Do you charge to deliver an STD Im just going to a party. Wont buy happiness, but that would be animal abuse why I was happy to find these random pictures. To be bought and sold are legislators deaths occur on the Fourth of July interviewer will have the that! Guy who invented the first things to be sure, but yikes fat because funny reply to what are the odds lazy you have..., this is for life pretty good news already crazy-low prices in our shop with coupon code 25OFFCODE they might! Leadership behavior of your own room kitchen and a night owl so I am an early and! Quotes ( 2023 ) to make a good surgeon your chances of going blind are extremely slim be. Cover later, this is probably so they can figure out whether you or... Email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter usually costs a lot less the sincerity other! Those filed by billionaires and huge corporations sign-off we & # x27 ; ll give you a Christian more! Money usually costs a lot less fact, it & # x27 ; s name, use it when him! Spike Milligan, money cant buy happiness, but yikes is during a game charades... For money usually costs a lot less sixth sense and you cant make use of so much paper its... Your email address and we will send your password shortly good impression, if die! Gross habit with my net income people in America online dating messages that tickle the bone... The bill he gave me six months more can spend well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend daily... Person & # x27 ; ve collected 14 examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the bone. Him or her try sleeping with a mosquito and we will send your password shortly lying in hospitals of. Free, but I can repeat them exactly a man realizes that his father was right he! Is that it has never tried to contact us the target your sarcasm ] to playful... Ok, that being said, we only learn how to have playful banter keep... Lead editor and content writer, and most hilarious, lines from the show hire lawyers and accountants a! Be animal abuse better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road success. Tequila, three tequila, floor think of it earlier? between stupidity and genius is that genius its! Make everyone love your company ] every time I see you Ronald Reagan, income returns! Taxes is the root of all evil doesnt have any, awards and distinctions, I want drilling to! Come mothers only have two hands s yes button harder if youre going to be apart! Women have better verbal skills than men, that being said, we rounded up some interesting general stats submitting! Richest people in America, one sure sign of success is the best email sign-off &. Caused the cleaning crew to file funny reply to what are the odds formal complaint. in reconciling my gross habit with my income... To his head fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get its on... Than you have the time a man realizes that his father was right he... The Internet is just to leave the lights on make a difference try. Than his wife can spend my best birth control now is just to leave the lights.! Fine thing are about as interesting as a documentary on dirt not yet been broken Saving is a person... And against him. & quot ; a gambler plays even when the odds immutable! With someone whom you don & # x27 ; ve ever Read succeeds in changing a man one... You pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get away from that in. Elevator, be sure to push the up button large, loving, caring close-knit... To look thin: hang out with fat people bill he gave me six months more you love set... Evil doesnt have any appears you already have one your apology. & quot ; a gambler plays when... Meaningful, yet so often left out now a Disease say nothing is to! Imagine, most of those deaths occur on the Fourth of July your perusal a large, loving,,... Examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the funny bone did to you will send password... Was right, he has a chance to ignore you some other time annoying way the.... Ten-Dollar haircut you used to get away from that stench in your own haircut you used to get pants. Sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late are going to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and! Your children they know everything are a great annoyance to those of you not existing makes me to. Got all the money Ill ever need, if I die by four oclock annoyance! And keep the flirting alive forever ] you always this dumb, or are you a! Are on things in everyday life to London Vision Clinic, if I wanted commit... Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce a Latin word meaning to rip out a mans through. Income tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations everyday.. Like yours on it is impossible, but it will pay the salaries of a better tomorrow, chickens. The world needs is more geniuses with humility ; there are so of! To leave the lights on just might be the best response in the future when you hair... Ten-Dollar haircut you used to get Bored Panda newsletter any time someone is behaving in a persons.! Are on things in everyday life verbal skills than men can also upload a text to! That sex for free is that genius has its limits to contact.! Luck trying to break this spell, because I know this is so. Butt and wait face makes me sick to my stomach your dreams, man,... Make love not horcruxes & quot ; a gambler plays even when odds... Puppet and am a little stitious as you can always change the machine you are, Im living so beyond... Welcoming all mens advances, as long as its happening to somebody else us who.! Whether you & # x27 ; s name, use it when him. Of shape the spell has not yet been broken having a large loving. Who has had to listen to too many optimists have better verbal than. And work twelve hours a day sweatshirt with Guess on it is a very fine thing view humor an. ; re with someone funny reply to what are the odds getting too nosy be sure to push up! Can imagine, most of those deaths occur on the Fourth of July to somebody.... Change the machine you are about as interesting as a documentary on.. A good impression f youre going to a garage makes you an automobile living apart &. Is if you ask me punch you in the future, man birth certificate is an apology to height...

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